Wednesday, July 18, 2007

It'll cure what ails you....

I'm here today to talk about America's drug problem. Not the drug problem of pot smokers eating all the pizza and leftovers and 2 months past the expiration date peanut butter *cough* um, not me *cough*, or the meth heads that make it impossible to buy cold medicine at Wal-Mart so you have to stand in the eternal pharmacy line for 25 minutes and show an id when all you really want to do is lay on your couch in some pill induced haze....No, I'm talking about prescription drugs. There's a prescription pill now for everything. You feel bad? You hate your life? Here, take this pill and you'll be all sunshine and roses and won't care about a damned thing. Have anger issues? Don't take this one, though, because it'll make you into a killer zombie. Take this other one that will pack 25 lbs. on you out of nowhere, but you'll be so numb that you won't give a shit anyway. Besides, we have another pill you can take that will melt that weight right off. The shakes? Oh, don't worry about that and the blinding headaches. They're side effects that only occur in a few people. Can't get it up? Here, take this one. Just make sure it doesn't stay up for too long or it'll damage you permanently. Also, you might get the shits, so keep an extra pair of underwear handy and don't drink too much with it either. As a matter of fact, most of the prescription drugs out there tell you not to drink alcohol with them and carry a risk of stomach discomfort, headaches, etc. It makes no sense to me. I drink beer. It comes with the euphoria of the antidepressants (at least til I pass out), some slight discomfort in the morning (depending on how much I drink), and a severe desire for a greasy breakfast at 3 a.m., but other than that, it works pretty damn well for what ails me. And, the upside? Other people can join in it with you and then you're all in the same boat. It's a social lubricant. Win! And Win!

What sparked this conversation, however, is a totally new drug, a new side effect that almost made me roll off of the couch laughing last night. Restless Leg Syndrome is apparently the newest super villain to be fought off by the Hall of Prescription Drug Justice League and there's a new Super Hero stepping up to take on RLS. Of course, I can't remember the name of it now, but the side effects include nausea, headaches, grogginess or just plain passing out (so you can't drive or drink or both when you're taking it) but here's the kicker.....it may cause intense gambling and/or sexual compulsive urges. Gambling and sex? Compulsive? I'm pretty sure at this point, they're just putting alcohol into pill form. I can see it now.....

Jesus, honey, I'm tired, but I've got the jimmy legs tonight. All I want to do is to go to sleep, but my legs are pulling a fucking Fred Astaire down there and it's killing me. Here, darling, take this pill...it'll calm you right down and we can get some rest. Thanks, babe. 30 mins. pass...Whew, I feel much better. What say I tie you to the bed post and ravage your body with these kitchen instruments and then we head to the track? There's a horse running tonight and it's a lock!

Now, I'm not making light of the jimmy legs. It happens to me once in awhile too. It's miserable. A-1 miserable. But, I think people should consider having a couple beers after work before dinner. Then, once you eat, you feel all full and lazy and can just turn on some mindless drivel on television and fall right to sleep. That's my prescription. 6 beers, a big hamburger, and the discovery channel (or one of those forensic shows...those guys have the quietest voices...puts me to sleep everytime). It's free of charge and apparently a lot healthier than all these pharmaceutical remedies. Now I just need a superhero name.......

Here's to your health! Cheers!

3 comments:

Ha Ha Sound said...

You know, I saw that very same commercial on CNN and wondered just how restless a person's legs have to be that they're willing to risk sexual and gambling compulsion.

Bizarre.

Hellafied said...

I've had a love affair with prescription drugs for the past two years trying to treat my insomnia.

You're telling me this whole time all I needed was a few beers after work, an assload of grilled meats, and some Planet Earth re-runs?

Shit, think of the thousands of dollars I've wasted on pills. Eff.

PissedAndPetty.com said...

...add a pinch of greenery.