Thursday, May 29, 2008

Helpful, handy hints from me to you.

1. If you're cutting hot peppers and have to go to the bathroom, wash your hands before you go. Just sayin'. I mean, you know this and I know this and have gone over it a hundred times. But, like with math and sexual harrassment seminars, a refresher course never hurt anyone.

2. That nail that's worked its way up out of the floor? The one that you know where it is so you always avoid it? Yeah, go ahead and take 2 seconds to get the hammer and tap it back down. It's 2 seconds vs. jumping and spilling your beer when you don't avoid it.

3. That neighbor that's a little creepy and wants to talk and sometimes borrow money? Don't. Better he thinks that you're a nutjob that hates people (score!) than for him to be over all the time.

4. When you're drinking, hide your phone and your checkbook/credit cards/check cards. This handy tip could save you making an ass of yourself or spending money you don't need to. That person that you think is just dying to hear from you after you've been drinking all evening and they're just getting home from work couldn't really give a shit about the intricacies of The Andy Griffith Show. And the chip maker from the informercial is a piece of garbage.

5. When someone says "hey, do you mind if I stop by? I've some things I want to talk about." Go ahead here and be busy. Have an excuse or 3 ready. Talking seriously about stuff never got anyone anywhere.

6. Always keep quick meals in your freezer and macaroni and cheese on your shelf.

7. Always keep ice cream in your freezer.

8. Stop on the way home and buy beer whether you think you need it or not. You either do or you will.

9. Just because new people moved in upstairs from you, don't keep the stereo down lower than normal. Break them in right off the bat. Besides, they'll either stomp around half the evening or their kids will run fucking laps in the house for 2 hours straight. Turn it up. If you have a subwoofer, even better.

10. At work, carry stuff around with you all the time and look mad. I think George Costanza said this once. I can't remember now. But, really. It works. It keeps people from bothering you or asking you if you just have one second to look at something.

That's all for now, kids. Feel free to add to the list. Like G.I. Joe said, knowing is half the battle.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Ask me if I care....

There's a lady and her family that live across the street from where I work. They work in the yard nearly every day. All day. And have been for the past year or so. Granted, their yard looks wonderful....but, really? I stand outside at break (or at random points throughout the day) and watch in what has to be total amazement. I've had yards. I've worked in them. I've planted trees, mowed, pulled weeds, etc. But, all day? Nearly every day? Is this what normal people do? I wonder what it's like to care about something that much, to be so motivated by something and consumed by an end goal that never really arrives. Some people, I've heard, find yard work relaxing. My dad's one of them. Relaxing to me is not sweating my balls off and swatting gnats and flies and bees all day. Sorry, dad. It's just not. It is also not painting (either inside or out) or *gasp* running/jogging. Give me a cold beer and some good music (company preferred, but optional) and I'm good to go. In light of this revelation, and since the 80s revival is in full swing it seems (I suppose it still is. I also don't Keep Up With Things.) I've developed a new Care Bear concept that I think will sell to adults and be very popular. You know how some of them had hearts and rainbows and all that flowery shit? Well, not this one buddy. This is the beginning of a series I think. We'll call them Don't Care Bears and they'll signify the things that are really on men's minds.

Behold my brilliance.....

I think the next few in the series will include strippers, midgets, and balloons....

Friday, May 9, 2008

Love in the checkout line

Today's Friday....the best day all week. Well, except for Saturday. Saturday kicks Friday's ass because I can wake up whenever I want and then go lay on the couch and go back to sleep and not shower til later in the morning and start drinking beer whenever I damn well feel like it. Sidenote: Dear FOX: Put the Saturday baseball games on at 1:00 please. Thank you.

Anyway, back to Friday. Not only is Friday the last day of the workweek, it is also my grocery "shopping" day. Or, as it's otherwise known, "The day I try to get the girl ringing up my purchases to pity me and come over to cook for me and hook up." You see, I'm a simple man. I live alone. I love to cook but don't get too excited about it when it's just me there. So, my staple items are pretty standard stuff. In fact, I don't ever need a list when I go to the store. 2 cases of Miller High Life (or something more expensive if I'm feeling froggy), 2 frozen pizzas, random other frozen stuff, and eggs (sometimes), bread and cheese, and whatever is close to the checkout and is on sale. It's quite the cartload, believe me. I mean, really, I can't believe she's not throwing herself at me in a lusty frenzy over my obvious culinary mastery. But, whatever. She's probably gay.

But, this leads me to another point. (good thing, eh? Because grocery shopping is actually more boring to read about than do. Who would've guessed?)

Prices. Everyone's bitching about gas and all that..... Yeah, yeah. I mean, what can you do about that? Not drive? Ride a bicycle everywhere you go? Stay home from work in protest? Hell yeah. I'd love to do all that. Unfortunately, it's not feasible, so I suck it up at the pump every week.

Nay, nay. I'm talking about something more important. I'm talking about the fact that frozen pizzas have jumped over a dollar in price in the past 2 weeks and a case of cheap beer is now like $12 or more (depending where you go). Now, Mr. President, this is serious shit. I mean, it's one thing that our wonderful economy has taken a huge shit all over us and hours are being cut at work and people are being laid off. It's another thing that we can't afford to drive to work AND eat lunch. But, when you start fucking with a man's staple food items, we've got a serious problem. And, I'm pissed. I mean, even the cardboard cheap pizzas that I wouldn't hit a dog in the ass with are "on sale" for $1 each. $1, really? They surely haven't improved since I used to buy them in college 15 years ago for .50. In fact, I'm pretty sure they're EXACTLY the same. They might even be worse. Screw Exxon and Mobil and all those guys. Let's talk about the Digiorno and Miller Brewing price gouging. That's it. I'm calling a congressional investigation on this fiasco. Thanks for your help.

In other news, we had tornado warnings around here last night. That's just weird considering that I live in a valley in the mountains and not in the midwest. More importantly, however, is that these warnings interruped "My Name Is Earl" (which I normally don't watch on its regular night). The reason I'm mad about that? Alyssa Milano was on there. Dammit! From what I could see, she was looking deliciously trailer-y and hot as all hell. But, did I get to watch it? No! Instead I got to watch the local weather guy trying to figure out how to use his new fancy technology to zoom in on storm areas and then get too close and then fumble fuck around trying to zoom back out. Beautiful, I tell you. NBC, I'm calling you out too.

Despite all this, I'm SO glad it's Friday. Even if I have to forego some usual items. Because I refuse to drink any cheaper than the High Life. In fact, I could be considered a Certified Purveyor of The High Life. That is, if you want to come over and have a beer on the porch. Have a good weekend!

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Totally Awesome Chip Review, Part The Third

Guess what, kids? Your favourite offering here is back!!! From time to time, the Snack Guy leaves out freebies on the breakroom table that are getting ready to expire. Not one that fears an expired food, I quickly fill my desk drawer with these goodies for the days where I inevitably forget my lunch.

You may remember the Gangsta Bee.

And, also there was the Oozing Wing.

Today, I bring you the Holiest of Holies.

Cheddar Jalepeno Cheetos. Not only has Chester the Cheetah matured in his commercials, going from the insanely cheese (crack) addicted lunatic that he began as to the glasses wearing sophisticate that is a proponent for screwing up a bitch's laundry, but his flavour has evolved as well. I mean, I totally would've thrown some orange-y goodness in with that woman's whites.

And, the packaging? Brilliant. Let's analyze it, shall we?

First, we have Chester in a cowboy hat and sunglasses. Well, jalapenos are southwesterny and grow in the sun.

Second, he's roping one. With his tail. See what they did there? Yee-haw I say!

And they're marketed as being "crunchy" because no one likes a soggy cheeto.

I recommend these, pardner. Giddy up!

Thursday, May 1, 2008