Thursday, May 29, 2008

Helpful, handy hints from me to you.

1. If you're cutting hot peppers and have to go to the bathroom, wash your hands before you go. Just sayin'. I mean, you know this and I know this and have gone over it a hundred times. But, like with math and sexual harrassment seminars, a refresher course never hurt anyone.

2. That nail that's worked its way up out of the floor? The one that you know where it is so you always avoid it? Yeah, go ahead and take 2 seconds to get the hammer and tap it back down. It's 2 seconds vs. jumping and spilling your beer when you don't avoid it.

3. That neighbor that's a little creepy and wants to talk and sometimes borrow money? Don't. Better he thinks that you're a nutjob that hates people (score!) than for him to be over all the time.

4. When you're drinking, hide your phone and your checkbook/credit cards/check cards. This handy tip could save you making an ass of yourself or spending money you don't need to. That person that you think is just dying to hear from you after you've been drinking all evening and they're just getting home from work couldn't really give a shit about the intricacies of The Andy Griffith Show. And the chip maker from the informercial is a piece of garbage.

5. When someone says "hey, do you mind if I stop by? I've some things I want to talk about." Go ahead here and be busy. Have an excuse or 3 ready. Talking seriously about stuff never got anyone anywhere.

6. Always keep quick meals in your freezer and macaroni and cheese on your shelf.

7. Always keep ice cream in your freezer.

8. Stop on the way home and buy beer whether you think you need it or not. You either do or you will.

9. Just because new people moved in upstairs from you, don't keep the stereo down lower than normal. Break them in right off the bat. Besides, they'll either stomp around half the evening or their kids will run fucking laps in the house for 2 hours straight. Turn it up. If you have a subwoofer, even better.

10. At work, carry stuff around with you all the time and look mad. I think George Costanza said this once. I can't remember now. But, really. It works. It keeps people from bothering you or asking you if you just have one second to look at something.

That's all for now, kids. Feel free to add to the list. Like G.I. Joe said, knowing is half the battle.


brookLyn gaL said...

If you put beer in the freezer to cool it down faster, move it directly into the refridgerator as you take out your first one to drink. Do not, under any circumstances, go to bed with it still in the freezer.

country roads said...

oh, definitely! I forgot about that. Luckily I'm only famous for doing that at other people's houses. But that's what they get for not having cold enough beer ready when I get there!

Anonymous said...

This sage-like wisdom appears to have been won through experience and hardship over the years. Woe to the man who neglects it.

And never admit to your wife or significant other exactly how much you have had to drink. The correct answer is always 2.

Ha Ha Sound said...

Always pick up a pack of smokes on your way home, whether you feel like smoking or not. Because you'll either get drunk or somebody will drop by, and running out of cigarettes at 1am sucks monkey ass.

Mark said...

Number 4, number 4, number 4.

Alexa said...

i love this post. read the post the just wrote and you will know i am in full agreement with #7

as for #4? i could be with the boy of my dreams and be $2,000 less in debt if i listened to this rule of yours.

Liz said...

Great list!