Thursday, August 30, 2007

to whom it may concern

Dear City-In-Which-I-Live,

Hello, it's nice to get to know you after living near you for so long. I've been here about a month now and so far, so good. I'm getting used to the noise and having people around and walking through my yard and the crazy traffic patterns that seem to grow more and more congested at the exact moment that I'm trying to get somewhere, and really I'm ok with it all.

I do, however, have a couple problems. I get up early, see, but sometimes I like to go buck wild and sleep late...til, oh I don't know, 5. City, I know this doesn't sound like a lot since usually I'm up at 4, but sometimes that extra hour makes all the difference. So, if you could stop dumping dumpsters at 4 a.m., I'd appreciate it. And, tell the people next door to be on the porch and ready when their rides show up at 4:30 so there's not all this horn blowing going on. Thanks.

Also, stoplights. I understand the functionality of stop lights in the whole traffic flow situation. I get that they're timed and regulated and whatnot to make traffic movement efficient. In theory. I'm pretty sure a monkey with a laser pointer could set up a system better than yours. And, again, at 5 a.m., is it necessary to just randomly change a light to red on the main street when there are no other cars around but mine for a mile? Seriously. Why am I sitting at a red light when there aren't even lights on in people's houses? People are asleep, City. They don't need to make a left turn. I, however, need to get the hell to work. Oh, and that old man that I see running/walking every morning. Tell that old bastard that regardless of his reflective vest I'm gonna run him over one morning unless he gets his old wrinkled, big-eared ass up on the sidewalk where he belongs. If he's not going to use that sidewalk, can you move it to my street because I surely could use one there?

Thank you, City, for your consideration in these matters. I appreciate your ongoing effort to keep me safe and happy. At this time, too, I would like to toss a special Thank You to the fine police officers that feel it necessary to ride up and down my street eleventybillion times a night at high speeds. The speed limit is 25. If I was going 27, they'd pull me over. How is it that they can come through there pulling a good 45? It's not like they'd have time to notice if something illegal was going on anyway. They're already making the turn at the end of the street by the time you see them go by. It's like watching a drag race...But, enough moaning about my problems. Have a nice day, City and keep those dumpsters clean!!

Sincerely,

J.

11 comments:

Mortarbored said...

4?! Sheesh, I complain enough about rolling out at 8:30.

brookLyn gaL said...

Why on earth do you wake up so early? 4am is occasionally a bedtime, but never a wake-up time.

country roads said...

Oh, I don't get up by choice...it's just work. Well, that and I'm a sucker. But, I like being finished with work at 3 in the afternoon... :-)

modelbehavior said...

you'd love milan. they actually turn the traffic lights off from 3 - 5.30 am and it's a driving free for all.

country roads said...

They flash yellow here at night too... in most places. I'm not sure why this street doesn't.

I'm sure I'd love Milan for so many reasons.

TK said...

Wait... four... in the A.M.?

That's just wrong. Although getting out at 3 would be pretty sweet.

Traffic lights when there's no one on the road is a serious drag.

Ha Ha Sound said...

4:00 a.m. Damn. You are a brave, brave soul.

What time do you have to go to bed to get up at that hour?

country roads said...

bedtime comes entirely too early. Luckily there's nothing much to do around here late at night, so I'm not missing anything.

lioux said...

I usually wake up at 5:00AMish every morning.

And then go back to sleep until 7:00AMish.

And I Love, Love, Love open letters like this one.

Mr. W said...

You... you're good you.

DrunkBrunch said...

Wow, I feel spoiled on the East Coast. I've never had a job that started before 10 a.m.