Friday, December 21, 2007

I miss Cousin Eddie

Well, Christmas is upon us with all its obligatory gatherings, overeating sessions, drunken promises to visit, hugs for people you really would rather choke and everything else that goes along with seeing family that you only visit once a year.

I've been to two functions this week and they were both small and very informal, and VERY annoying. Clark W. Griswold may have had Cousin Eddie and a houseful of lunatics, but I'm pretty sure I've got him beat.

Holiday etiquette lesson #1: If someone has done some regrettable things or lost someone that they sorely miss, try not to bring it up repeatedly throughout the evening. Especially if it's been 3 or 4 years, and you don't talk to this relative anyway. Or, to put it more simply, don't be a pretentious, self-righteous prick. I'm looking right at you Uncle R.

Tonight or tomorrow morning, I'm off to my mom's for the long weekend. I'm actually kind of looking forward to it. Not so much for the whole Christmas-y visit thing, but rather for the fact that her house is warm. And it's not costing ME to keep it warm. You know how Ebeneezer wouldn't give Cratchit another lump of coal for his fire? Yeah, that's about how my house is. But, in all honesty, it's pretty laid back at mom's. I'll eat too much, probably drink too much at least Saturday during the "party", and watch a lot of bad television. I mean, really, isn't that what the holidays are all about? Monday night, I'll force her to watch "A Christmas Story" even though she hates it. I think she's really a communist or an alien or something. I mean, I can find no other explanation for it.

Then Tuesday, after getting up and out of mom's and driving an hour and a half, I have to go BACK to my Grandma's because my dad wants to go on Christmas Day this year. No big deal, right? Understand this, however. We haven't been to her house on Christmas Day with the rest of the family for over 20 years. I have no desire to go back. None. A visit the week before is fine with me. But, she's getting old and he wants to go and it'll be easier for him if I'm there to make fun of people with snarky comments from the corner. Again, I'm looking at you, Uncle R.
Let me elaborate on R. He's a whiny child in a man's body. He read some nugget on Yahoo (and if he read it, it's the gospel because he knows everything and you know nothing) the other day about how people really aren't as depressed during the holidays as everyone thinks because they have memories and family around them. At this point, I looked up from where I was sitting on the floor and looked around and said "Huh! I reckon that just depends on who your family is." And went back to petting the dog. I thought my dad would choke laughing. The only thing better would've been if I would've jumped up and said "ZING!"

fucker.

Anyway, that's Tuesday, so I'm not thinking about it anymore til then.....

Now, if I can just get through today and get out of here. I would love to see it snow........and listen to Bing Crosby....

I hope all of you have a great holiday...whichever one it is that you celebrate...or none at all. Just have a great weekend and safe travels!

4 comments:

Nina said...

I am the queen of snark at my house, so I'll be covereing that angle this holiday season. I hope I do it as well as you do.

:-)

Ha Ha Sound said...

Happy holidays!! Just remember... everybody's more bearable after four or five vodka and tonics. And if not, just go pass out in a spare bedroom upstairs.

Hope you have a good time.

123Valerie said...

I find punctuating my insults with a "ZING!" to be particularly satisfying, and then I like to follow it up with a swift kick to my opponent's shins.

Sorry, Grandma, it had to be done.

Oh, Uncle R. I have an Aunt M we could fix him up with. They could live forever in bliss, criticizing each other and the world around them.

country roads said...

The beautiful part of this is, that Christmas night upon returning home to his plush residence, he was walking his dog and slipped on wet grass and broke his leg. I hate to laugh, but HA!