Wednesday, February 6, 2008

a false spring, or a conversation in my mind

There are things, no matter how well intentioned, that should never be said or done. No matter if there are rules, sanctioned agreements, prior evidence. These apply to everyone else, yes, but not to you. You, my friend, are subject to a whole different set of rules that you're not privy to.

It's ok. I've never been good at following rules anyway. Generally, I speak or act with my heart on my sleeve and then try to pick the pieces up later. You can keep your rules and your agreements and your pseudo-philosophical tenants to yourself please. I fell for them once too often and now I know that they're not really there at all.
I felt alive for the first time in a long, long time and it was overpowering. I had forgotten what it was to feel that way and I guess I let it get the best of me. I thought, maybe, that I had grown to the point where I could handle it, but now it's obvious that I can't, that I haven't grown at all really. Regressed, perhaps.

You should've known that this would happen, that we would have this conversation.

On some level I did. On another, I felt so childlike and full of wonder that I let myself pretend that it would all work out like some late night movie.
So, now I'll retire. I'll retire this old heart to its shelf over the fireplace. I'll hang my hopes in the closet with all the unworn jackets, waiting for the perfect occasion. I'll refill my pen and buy new notebooks. I'll wrap myself in this damnable cloak that I've made and weather this storm. And I'll hope that somewhere you know that I was kind of right, even if you never admit it, and that your future is a bright one, even if I'm not in it. I wear enough albatrosses around my neck without adding yours to it. I just can't anymore.

No one asked you to carry this burden. No one asked you to be involved. In fact, had you not been involved, there would be no problem.

I was asked. I was asked, told, shown, moved.....moved. Do you know how long it's been since something moved me? Took the breath from me? Jesus, man. But, it doesn't matter now. Not anymore. I'll keep that part of it with me, though. Always.


sorry for being cryptic. I'm fine. Just got some stuff on my mind. Feeling a bit better now, actually. In other news, my book is one step closer to being published as I finally sat down Saturday while "working" and typed everything up. I need to format it and arrange it, but I'm on the way. I'll put a link here when it's ready. And I expect all of you to buy at least 10 copies and to tell all your friends hahaha! No, I'm kidding. 1 or 2 each will be plenty.

1 comment:

Frankly, Scarlett said...

ok - whatever it is, doll - your words might have just as well been in my own head.

and so - i'm sorry.