Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Please, step into my office.

Please allow me, if you will, to walk you through my day. I come to work between 5 and 6 am every morning, turn the machines on, read the internet for an hour or so, and start to work. It's a good routine. It works for me.

Lately, however, my main machine has been screwing up my program. No problem. I still have time to get all of my,

The main problem of late? It's gotten cold outside. No more a/c for me. My machine bumps the temperature in my office upwards of 85 degrees. And there's no air movement. I'll say this again in italics because it will become important later. No. Air. Movement.

Do you know how smells seem to linger when the air is hot and stale? Hi there. Welcome to my office. Come on in. Oh, that smell? Well, we'll get to that in a moment. Here's a list of what I've encountered so far today. It's 12:20, by the way.

1. woodsmoke
2. B.O.
3. dog turds
4. feet
5. stale parmesan cheese
6. a perm
7. wet dog

Believe me, it's very Funktastic in here. It's like one of those Febreeze scent circulator things has been possessed by the devil.

The best part? Wait for it......

It's all coming from the woman in the next cube. Talk about a hostile work environment. At this point in the day, not only am I hot and miserable, but I'm gagging too. Why can't I be surrounded by good smelling, hot women? I think I've died at some point and that this is my hell. I'm pretty sure nothing I did was bad enough to deserve this.

And they wonder why I like to leave work early all the time.


GiveEmHellHarry said...

Wow. All that love coming from one woman. I could see where 4 and 5 as well as 6 and 7 could be related. But the rest? That takes a little effort on ones part. I think you should prepare your olfactory harassment lawsuit.

Ha Ha Sound said...

Ugh, that sounds truly sucktastic. Have you tried getting really nice scented candles? I use lemon meringue ones. They really do the trick.

Todd said...

You should have a contest to see who can write the best story using that woman as a subject and describing how she came to scent the offic with all seven smells.

MsPuddin said...

Damn stale parmesan cheese?

Here's what you do...start smoking weed,bring febreeze to work and let that heffa know she's funky!

Mel said...

I'm dealing with the exact same situation - but it's the owners son. Not a good situation at all but I'm fighting back with scented oil and air freshener!

123Valerie said...

Oh, no. That is ALL sorts of wrong. I have a very sensitive olfactory sense, J. I can dig.

Maybe if you show up wearing a surgical mask she'll get the hint to take a shower every once in a while. Or at least use some Fabreze.

Mortarbored said...

Febreeze, dude, FEBREEZE.

Jeff said...

We have circulation problems in my office also so I climbed up on the desk and pried the vent cover off the ceiling in my area. Now there is a huge whole and duct work visible from my desk but I get a direct blast of cool air all day.