Oot and Aboot

Yeah, yeah..it's been awhile. Forgive me, but I'm damn boring and nothing has really been happening. Let's recap shall we?
I used to live in crappy house/apt. in a crappy part of a crappy town. Tired of freezing to death and listening to Fiestas every Sunday afternoon, I broke my lease and moved. I bought a house in an altogether different town 30 miles away and am now ensconced in warmth and quiet. Two of my favourite things! Most of the time. One can only, however, sit at the kitchen table and watch the evening news while drinking wine so many nights in a row before one goes batshit crazy. The time table on this is usually about 3 days. I've been doing it for 2 months. Hey, it was exactly 2 months yesterday! Go me! Anyway, I've come to find that if you watch the local news while drinking said wine, you will become belligerent and want to kill the newscasters and weather people and stupid people they interview. Well, maybe not kill, but at least choke heartily. Or, you may want to kill yourself. Eh, either way, it takes its toll on you. I suppose all local news is a little hinky, but, jaysus, sometimes I feel dumber after watching it.
Anyway, finally I've gotten to the point where I almost have a budget and my new town is kinda cool, so I thought I would venture out to visit my new favourite bar. I know. I was shocked too. I stopped after work and got a haircut because I'm too lazy to keep up a schedule with that and desperately needed one and came home and took a shower (I can't stand the little hairs all over me) and contemplated my moves for the evening. That lasted about 5 mins til I bolted out the door like my ass was on fire and my head was catching.
I head downtown (about a 5 min drive), find a parking place finally, and walk up the street to my new home away from home. I'm pretty excited at this point because it's really the first time I've been in there without someone else coming along. Yeah, I know...freak. Anyway.... But, SURPRISE! They don't open til 5. Really? 5? What about your afternoon drinker? Discrimination I say. They were, however, nice enough to let me sit inside at the bar for 15 minutes so I didn't have to stand outside in the freezing wind. 5:00 = game on. $1.10 drafts = awesomeness. Cute Bartender = things are looking up. Music on the radio = horrid. Horrid. But, once we (the bartender, cook, and I) got to talking I didn't notice the music quite as much. But, still...dance-type music in an empty bar in the afternoon? Gag. I'm sure you all know my opinion of that genre of music anyway. 1 out of ever 4 songs that came on was decent though..must've been some popular hits station or something. I miss the variety of the 80s radio stations. I listened to an old Top 40 countdown the other week and the variety of music was shocking to my ears. It went in order through Huey Lewis, Duran Duran, Quiet Riot, something else I can't remember now...but there's no variety like that anymore. We're pigeonholed into this category or that. I'll have none of it, I tell you. Ok, ok. Ironically enough, (and I don't care if it's really ironic or not...I'm with you Alanis) the town also has a No Dancing Ordinance. Yeah, no kidding. Just like Footloose. And if I see Kevin Bacon coming, I'm punching him in the throat. There are bars where you can dance, but it has to have a separate area designated for that. Hey, I'm fine with that. I'm not a dancer, nor do I really want to see people dancing. Unless it involves glitter and dollar bills. Then that might be a different story. Where was I? Oh yeah. No Dancing. Enter a guy I will call Smiley. He's probably my age or even a little younger. Has nary a tooth in his head. Nary a one. Smiles. All. The. Time. He proceeded to tell me how the no dancing rule is true and that they will throw you out for it..especially if you're not a pretty girl. He said one time there was a girl dancing in the room upstairs where the pool tables are and no one said anything to her (duh) so he thought he would go on over and "dance" with her. I interpreted that as "I stumbled over and tried to rub all over her with my junk." And, they threw him out of the bar. I know, right? I'm guessing that this is not the first dancing incident my pal Smiley has been involved in. I would make a strong bet that that's why he doesn't have any teeth...he danced up to the wrong girl once and probably had them removed for him. I'm laughing like hell at this point because he's almost demonstrating his moves when the bartender tells him to cut it out. She looked at me and grinned...I think at this point she was ready for Smiley to go play pool and shut the hell up. But, it was definitely entertaining.

I sat there til a little after 7 and had the whole place to myself practically. It was awesome..like owning my own place but without the bills and the overhead and the worry of no one being in there. Of course, were it mine, the music would be better too. Here's a crappy picture of the inside looking back toward the street. My phone doesn't do well after dark. I tried to get a picture of Smiley too, but couldn't sneak one in. And, no, I'm not asking. I don't want to bond that much, thank you.

It's a good quiet place (at least early) and the pizza's awesome, so I think it'll work for awhile. But, being the responsible adult I am (ha!), I will stick to my new budget and only visit when I'm ready to break my television...and perhaps dance illegally.

The Pinnacle

I work in printing. Printing for banks specifically. You know, the receipts, the deposit slips, the drive up envelopes. Boring stuff.


Today I will embark upon the greatest project that I've had in my hands in 8 years.


I'm printing an envelope for a strip club!!!!

I'll let that sink in for a minute.


A strip club!


I guess people need a place to keep all those ones.....


I'm so proud. I can't wait to tell my mom that I'm contributing something to a strip club other than my paycheck.

Behold!

The glory and wonder of Christmas.........

It's no Leg Lamp, but I think it conveys the spirit.

Another visitor this weekend. I'm not sure how I feel about all this social interaction. I don't see it stopping til New Year's either. But, rest assured, 2009 will find me sitting on the couch at 12:01 a.m. enjoying the peace and quiet (possibly sleeping) and dreaming of a better year to come. For all of us.

OCD 3, Me 0

So I've been looking for some chairs and a couch to replace the couch and loveseat that I currently have in my living room. And by looking I mean stalking the auction house practically being eaten up by finding something that doesn't look like someone lived on it, in the rain, next to the sewer, with dogs, and turds. Last night, I found 2 chairs that are wonderfully clean (like no one ever even sat in them) and I had one like them a long time ago, so I was all over them! Even my nemesis, The Junk Man, didn't bid on them. Score!! Now....the Dilemma.


You see, my couch is the piece that really needs to go. The loveseat is comfortable still. However, the loveseat is too small to take over the couch's spot in the room, in front of the coffee table, in front of the fireplace (in the house that Jack built). Too. Small. It throws off the whole balance of the living room. Seriously. No, really. Enter my dad and his friend. They're telling me last night (at 10:00) how I can move this here and that there and if I move my tv to another corner and blah blah blah. The thing is, the tv can't move because I don't want a cable running across the floor all the way across the room. The table directly opposite the tv can't move because it has the wireless rear surround speaker on it and we all know that your speakers HAVE to be lined up. HAVE to. This comes as quite a surprise to men who have only recently experienced DVDs. A baffling surprise to say the least.

So, around 10:15, after a long period of postulating, I decided that we just needed to move stuff so I could see it. And, you know what? It doesn't look bad. I haven't had a chance to sit in there and see how it feels but it looks good...almost better, but I won't tell them that. My only concern is getting the fan in one of the windows this summer, but I'll worry about that then. The chairs aren't there yet. They're going to get them for me this morning since I can't seem to get out of work. Of course, if I was working instead of blogging, I could probably go. The thing is, because the room is different, I couldn't sleep last night. Couldn't sleep. I can't work today. I took over this supervisor spot without hesitation and wasn't nervous. But, you move my room around and suddenly I'm Rain Man. Hmph.


So, yeah. I'm leaving around 10:30 today and arranging and rearranging and sitting for an hour or so until it feels right. Then, I'll go back out to the grocery store like I need to and wanted to do on the way home from work today but can't because I HAVE to get there to see how things are and blah blah blah. God, I'm sick.


Have a good weekend!!

17 has turned 35

Well, 34 for now, but whatever.


When I was in college eons ago, one year every Friday was tomato soup and grilled cheese day in the cafeteria. Lacking money and homecooked meals on cold days, I looked forward to this event all week. Also, I didn't have any classes after lunch. Enjoying some tomato soup just now, I realized that it has indeed turned very cool outside and I'm also still lacking money and homecooked meals most days. See how the world's all one big circle. Stupid world.


Other than that, well, a lot...but not much. I've been busy at work for the first time in ages. After running from every sort of responsibility you can imagine for the past forever, I'm now officially a Boss. Wheee! It's no different other than now when I'm loud and opinionated, some people have to listen to me. Awesome. But, it gives me something to focus on at work other than which 90s alt. band is my favourite or which songs from the 80s that I absolutely could not live without or what I'm going to make for dinner and will it involve drinking some beer or should dinner time be pushed back to accomodate said drinking or "I can't believe it's only damn Tuesday"....Well, you get the idea.


I prepped my house for the cold weather yesterday, which basically means I just shut the storm windows. Now, I need to buy 2 heaters for the living room. I was planning this 3 weeks ago, but it was warm and they still had fans out in the store. So, being the Super Genius that I am, I forgot about it. Until it was 29 this morning. I guess I thought that if in the middle of October it's 85 degrees then naturally winter just isn't coming.


We were tailgating at a football game the other week and rode in my friend's SUV. He has a kid so naturally his car has a DVD player in the back. I wanted to watch a movie but all he had was "James and the Giant Pickle" which despite its pornish name is a kid's movie. As we're pulling out of the parking lot saying our goodbyes to all our tailgating BFFs, I may or may not have leaned out of the back window to offer this girl a ride along with the chance for her to see J (me) and the Giant Pickle. I'm not sure why she didn't get in with us....She must be gay.


Well, that's it from my corner of the cube...I'm sure somewhere here there's someone that needs to be told what to do.

Give me oysters and beer for dinner every day of the year

Behold the majesty of the rolling cooler. It was marketed as a "beach cooler." Let me just tell you how big a pile of horseshit that is. It plows sand better than it rolls, but that couldhave been from the 2 cases of beer and 20 lbs of ice in it. Whatever. False advertising I say.

remnants before sundown

Where we spent most of our days

We drove out on the beach right behind the Cape Hatteras light house.

I tried to get some pictures of the bait fish that were swimming right behind the breakers that made the water look literally like it was boiling, but they didn't turn out. The dolphin pictures are too far away, too. But, they were there dammit!!

There's also a picture of a woman from Denmark that I had to help pull out of the surf because she got a cramp apparently in her leg. It didn't turn out that well either. I think my buddy was laughing too hard to take it. I'm saying an apparent cramp because she spoke NO English at all but kept rubbing at the back of her leg. They were very appreciative though of my concern and didn't seem to mind that I smelled like beer and fish. So, score 1 point for Denmark.

It was only a week's vacation, but surprisingly unlike most vacations I've been on, the good feelings seem to be lasting a little longer this time around. We're already talking about where we want to go next year. I can't wait for the next trip somewhere!

A life lived without shoes is a good one

Here are a few pics from the Big Vacay. I'm waiting on my sets to come back, but I snagged these from everyone else.

We got to the beach on Saturday afternoon and tossed the bags in the door and headed for the beach immediately. Several beers later, we were priviliged enough to watch the mostly full moon rise over the water.

Then, the mosquitoes came out. Yeah. That's right. Mosquitoes at the beach. I've never seen it in all my life. They were so thick that you couldn't really go out after dark. Even in 30 mph + winds. Apparently, they like the coast since the Great Dismal Swamp (no joke) burnt up a few weeks ago.

Sunday...let the fishing begin!!

Squid is better as calamari.

Look at that rod, would ya? (that's what she said)

This picture isn't photoshopped. The pier really is warped and crooked like that from storms. Yet, it's amazingly sturdy. And, by Wednesday (?), very windy....

I'm propping my beer up and trying to keep it from blowing into the water.

This is Dylan, my friend's dog. He LOVED the beach. We're not posing here, however. I'm sitting on him to keep him from rushing out into the water after his owner. M was out too far for the dog to keep up with him and the surf was really rough. That ridge behind me appeared overnight. The whole beach was that high the day before. So, yeah, I got to dog-sit...and it took two of us to hold him back That can hugger in my hand? Best. Three. Bucks. Ever. EVER. You put the can down in it, and it has a lid. A lid!!!!!!!! Not only does it keep the sand and stuff out of your beer, but it also looks conspicuously like a travel coffee cup. Best 3 bucks I've ever spent.

We caught a good many fish every day, but didn't keep any. It wasn't worth the trouble of getting them back home. Besides, there was plenty of shrimp and chicken and steaks at the house waiting on us. I can't remember a week where I felt so good. I can't wait to go back next year.

Hopefully I'll have some more pictures by the end of the week

OCD 2, me 0

I'm a pretty laid-back kind of guy. I try not to really give a damn about much of anything. But, there are some things that really get me fired up. Especially simple things that should remain so. We've probably discussed this before, but just go along with me, huh? I like things to be in order, neat, arranged, where they belong. I dislike random messes. Stacked books, papers, etc. are fine...as long as there's some semblance of order to them. Yeah, I know. Anyway.....


When I moved in to my place last year, the kitchen ceiling needed fixing and the porch wanted painting. I told them and they said something like blah blah blah. So, I let it go. I mean, it doesn't really affect me and after about a month or so of constantly looking at it and cursing everything around me, I got over it. Mostly. Well, this year when my lease came due and I hesitantly resigned it, I noticed that they were raising my rent $25 a month. Hey, that's not that bad, but still...I've never been late, no improvements have been made at all, and I'm getting ready to enter the Arctic season. So, along with the lease I sent a letter saying that I didn't mind paying the rent, but I want something for my money. I want the porch painted, the ceiling fixed, and a few other little things. That was a month ago. I figured they just blew me off and laughed at my futile efforts while cashing my checks. Imagine my surprise when I came home the other day and found both things done.


Now, when I came home last weekend, I was on my way back out the door for the weekend to see Jimmy Buffett (AWESOME) and a ballgame (also a lot of fun). I came in to find the kitchen light on and some of the stuff from the top of my fridge on the counter. "Holy Shit! I've been robbed", I thought. But, then I thought "why would they move the stuff from my fridge if they were robbing me? And, if they were robbing me, why wouldn't they take my vintage Dukes of Hazzard lunch box including thermos?" I know, right? That's totally worth some big bucks. Well, at least $50. So, I started looking around. All of the pictures had been moved on the wall. All of the pitchers on the top of my cabinet had been moved. The dishes on the shelf of the cabinet had been moved. My sink mats had been moved. I almost passed out. I was due to leave in 30 mins. There's no way I could shower and fix all that stuff in 30 mins!!!! There's also NO way I could leave it like that til I was back home Sunday night. I'd never be able to relax at all. So, I set to straightening everything and wiping up the best part of the plaster dust and all that until the kitchen was almost back to normal. I left the actual scrubbing of everything until Monday. As long as everything was back in its place when I walked in Sunday night, I knew I'd be ok. I left the house an hour later. Crisis averted.


When OCD strikes its second blow

Also over the weekend, I watched "Southland Tales." It's not a bad movie. I think I would really enjoy it if I watched it again. It was fairly interesting and more than a little confusing at times. I watched some of the extra stuff after the movie (which I usually don't do because I don't like to hear people prattle on and on and on and on) looking for a little more, a little explanation, or something. Turns out it was supposed to be a comedy. Hmph! Well, I did laugh at some things and there were a few clever references in it, but just having comedic actors playing somewhat serious roles does not a comedy make. But, whatever. If they thought it was funny, it's their time and money invested in it, so who am I to say? Maybe I'm not smart enough to get it. It wouldn't be the first time. But, anyway, the thing that drove me nuts about it??? They took part of T.S. Eliot's "Hollow Men" as a refrain for the movie. Except they changed it. Grrrrr. Instead of "This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper," they said "This is the way the world ends, not with a whimper, but a bang." I understand what they were doing, what with the movie and the plot and all that........but still. Still. Hmph. I don't know. I thought I'd get over it, but it's been bugging me all week. Now it's out there. It can bug you now. Or not. I don't care because I got it off of my chest finally.

And Comcast still hasn't responded about the damn channel volume level differences. Asses.

Off to tailgate at the University in the rain tomorrow! Rock on!

Product Review, Part the Something

Say you're at the store and you're on a budget. You live alone and like to cook, but most days cooking a really good meal for one person is a big pain in the ass. You like meals that have a little of everything and consist of more than just opening a can. You grew up eating tv dinners and when you walk by them in the freezer aisle, you get a little nostalgic. Except you're nostalgic for being a kid and sitting in front of the tv on a Friday watching the Dukes of Hazzard, but whatever. Then, all of a sudden, you see it. The Hungry Man Dinners....on sale for $2 ea. They're apparently usually $4. I'll get to that in a minute.

So, now you're sitting at home. You got home a little later this evening and it's perfectly cloudy and cool outside so you sit on the porch and drink some beers. 6 later, and you're hungry, but you realize it's now 6:30. Well, hell. That's not time enough to thaw some meat and prepare a real meal. But, wait!!! What's that in the freezer?

Why, it's a Mexican Fiesta! Well, colour me happy! It even has some type of pudding dessert with it. Holy shit! Fire up that microwave, here I come!

If I just described ANY of your thought processes, please stop before you get to the meal in the picture. You'll thank me later.

I'm afraid to exhale heavily today.

This is vaguely creepy

This article about Comcast monitoring the internet for people bitching about Comcast and then responding to said complaints (albeit helpfully) kinda creeps me out a bit.

That being said, I have Comcast cable and am wearing out the mute button on my remote. TBS and USA and sometimes TNT are broadcast at a lower volume than the rest of the stations, so I have to turn the tv way up to hear it (especially over the Stomp Olympics Qualifying upstairs). Then, when the commercials come on, there are, without fail, 2 in a row at some point in the break that blare out at a volume reminiscent of the old Maxell tape commercial with the guy in the chair being blown away by the sound.

I'm either gonna need a new remote, or someone at the local Comcast office needs to learn to operate the sound board a little better. I wonder if Comcast will notice this email...about Comcast.

By the way, I do like the turtle commercials.

This ain't Sesame Street.

I have birds in my chimney. They must’ve built a nest in there over the summer and now the eggs are hatching. They’ve been raising hell for the past couple of days. I didn’t think much about it because I’m not planning on burning it this winter and I figured they’d get out on their own soon. Until last night. I was sitting on the couch and heard a tink-tink-tink noise….there was one on my fireplace screen. I almost shit myself. I stood staring at it in amazement for a little bit until I realized that I needed to catch it before it got outside of the screen and into the living room causing me to flail about wildly and knock things over either trying to catch it or trying to get away from it. Finally, I went to the kitchen and got a pot and a lid and went back to corral it into the pot. I eventually got it in there and then took it outside and tossed it free. You know, fighting off spiders in the house is one thing. Birds are a whole different story.

You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning....

Whew! What a Saturday! I'm glad to report that I managed to attend a big party Saturday and made it through without a) offending anyone (that I know of), b) falling into the pool, c) falling down in general. I even picked up a huge bag of trash before I left Sunday morning. And, while all this makes for boring blogging, it also testifies to the fact that I must be getting old.

My friends had a pig roast Saturday, and it was a blast. I saw a bunch of people, well a few, that I haven't seen in a long, long time. We caught up with each other, drank a pile of beer, and did some other stuff. I can't really remember a whole lot after my dominance at beer pong turned into what must've been just dumb luck. It could've happened right around the time that I decided a dance move that looked eerily like a seizure was necessary before each toss. I don't know. It was meant to psyche the other team out, but I'm not real sure it worked. Unless them laughing their asses off counts as psyching someone out. Then, later it got dark. By that I mean the sun went down too. I managed to find a cooler with community beer in it, so that qualified the evening as a success. I bedded down in the back of my truck with a sleeping bag, a blanket, and a pillow and woke up without bruises and scratches and the overwhelming sense of shame that can often come from being at a party where you don't know a lot of the people in attendance, so I wrote the night off as being all good. It was really, really good to see those guys again and get things on track.

In other news, DirecTV gave me the big piss off in their response to my email. I don't feel like arguing today so I haven't responded yet. Of course, the day's not over yet either.

Ebay will be the death of me. Or at least the financial ruin. All my Fiesta is replaced, along with a whole lot of new pieces too. Damn a good deal! Also, there's a XM boombox and car kit on its way to me this week. I know, right? Welcome to the 2000s. I hear that this is a new millennium. I used to have one a long time ago, but my tightness overruled my hatred of local radio. No more. And, my own cds? I need forced variety...at least the variety of stations that play mostly only music I like and may or may not already own somewhere in a scattered selection.

I'm not crazy at all. Really.

And, completing the Old Trifecta, how about this weather? For the past 2 weeks, it has felt like fall. I. LOVE. IT. Yesterday, I actually made a pot of chili. I was trying to reserve that for the first weekend of football, but I couldn't wait anymore. I don't want to wish time away, but is it the first weekend of September yet? I'm going to have to apologize to Netflix for dropping my account down to the minimum as my weekend viewing will now be full til January.

Oh, it's an exciting life.

City mouse vs. Country mouse

Tell me why, again, people want to live in town? I mean, yeah, it's convenient to Things, the streets are kept relatively clear in the winter, there's activity and commotion and people to watch. There are also neighbors on top of you, shady characters up and down the street in front of your house, thumping bass at all hours drowning out your television from passing cars, trash, and about a million other things that try to push me to the brink of insanity. I've lived in town before, but it was a smaller, cleaner, quieter town. I wasn't much on that either, but figured if I could handle that, then surely the excitement of this place would outweigh the nuisances. Mostly, it does. Mostly, I think, because of my house itself. I like it there. It's comfortable and it fits me. I like the porch and the fact that since I have to have neighbors, at least it's only one set upstairs. I won't get into the fact that they're practicing for the newest Olympic event: Constant Stomping From One End Of the House To the Other.

Yesterday when I got home, I pulled in the driveway as usual, carried my groceries inside, and set about opening the windows. Nothing out of the ordinary. I opened a beer and flipped on the tv and glanced out my side window like I always do. That's when I saw it.

This is an approximation of what the side of my house looks like now. There were 2 old dishes left there by the previous tenants, but they weren't really a problem. They're out of sight from the window and perhaps they'll be of use at some point. However, DirecTV, in its infinite laziness, came and installed a new dish for the people upstairs. It's one of the new HD dishes that's approximately the size of a small car. And, it's right in front of the window. RIGHT. IN. FRONT. I could understand this if there weren't room anywhere else for it. This is not this situation. A mere two feet to the right of it is an entire side of the house with no windows at all. None. The other 2 dishes? They're placed where you can't see them because apparently whoever installed those took a moment to, oh I don't know, think about someone else and that that someone else may not want to look out upon this monstrosity every day. I want to write them a letter and make them come move it, but I know they won't. What do they care? They're getting their money from the people upstairs and don't give a damn about me, but it infuriates me. Not as much as plastic wrap, but close. Not the dish so much, rather the uncaring nature of people in general. Also? Now, because the people upstairs don't believe in throw rugs to muffle sound, I get to listen to Telemundo at top volume. It's awesome, I tell you. My dad was looking at a house out a little somewhere with a garage apartment. I don't want to be 34 and living at my dad's place, but it's looking a hell of a lot better.....

In the meantime though, perhaps I can decorate the dish so at least I have something to look at that's a little more pleasing.

One more virtue I don't have....

Patience. Yep, I don't have any. I don't like to wait on things. I don't like when things that are simple and SHOULD go right, don't. I don't like stupid annoying little frustrating things that hover like gnats around your eyes and then either fly right into them or into your mouth or both.

You see, I haven't bought plastic wrap (saran wrap..whatever) for years. Years. Whenever I have something to wrap or save, I either use a dish or aluminum foil. It's just easier. And more expensive. So, in my frugality of late, I opted to spend $1.00 or so on plastic wrap rather than the $3 on foil. I know, I know. It's two bucks. Who gives a shit, right? Well, it's the principle of the thing. If the rest of the civilized world can get this plastic shit to stick to what it's supposed to and not to itself and itself only, then why can't I? I mean, it's not like I'm not an intelligent guy that can fix things and figure things out and solve problems. This plastic wrap shouldn't be that much of an issue.

Except it is.

Fast forward from that day (or rewind from this one, whichever you please) and find me in my kitchen after grilling hamburgers and consuming several Summer Ales (it's the Grains of Paradise that make this a truly tasty treat) preparing to wrap up the leftovers. I've attached a picture here to show the layout and to later provide a visual aid.

I'm standing directly in front of this cabinet at the stove with my back to said cabinet. It's 10 feet away or so, all the way across the kitchen. I'm wrapping these hamburgers and flailing about with the plastic wrap when I finally (after 2 wadded up balls of wrap) manage to get them into a bunch and a seemingly passable mess. That's when I pick up the package, and they slide out the back and onto the floor. The floor that I'd just cleaned that morning. And the grease residue? Down the front of my stove. The plastic wrap, however, managed to stay in exactly the same shape it was in before I picked up and perfectly stuck to absolutely nothing as its contents fall devil-may-care to the floor. I picked up the roll, undaunted, and tried again. 2 more wadded balls of nothing. All of a sudden, I went blind with rage at this wrap and sent it hurling behind me to the floor. Or where I thought the floor should be, which was apparently exactly where the pink gravy boat is sitting on the shelf of the cabinet. It broke (from the plastic wrap roll....really??) as did the black serving plate stacked under the blue plate behind it. 2 pieces of rather costly dinnerware are now broken due to my saving of $2. I can't blame this on irrational anger or beer or no patience, really, because I gave that damnable wrap every chance to perform correctly. Or perhaps it was performing correctly...in its uselessness. Needless to say, the wrap is going in the trash and I'm buying foil again. And, now, $40 or so in replacement dishes. Those dishes rarely, if ever, get used, so I don't need to replace them, but they mean more to me than that. They're representations of a new time in my life (or an older one revisited maybe) and a time in that I didn't think I got that damned mad anymore (apparently I was wrong), so, I'm going to suck it up and buy other ones (although apparently the pink is rare now because it's entirely too expensive on the old ebay) and use it as a reminder and a lesson learned. I just wish I would've learned the lesson on a cheaper beer glass or something. I should send the plastic wrap company a letter and a bill, but it won't do any good. Rest assured, however, that there will never, ever be plastic wrap in my house again. Ever. I won't even let someone else bring theirs in. I'm mad now, just thinking about it. Damn you Glad/Saran/Generic plastic people. Damn you to hell.

yesterday, today, and tomorrow

Is a man the sum of memories and deeds or is he the sum of experience and lessons learned? Are the two different? Vastly, I should think. The first seems to lend no forgiveness or redemption. The second promises hope in some type of a better future.

Or, is this the same semantic battle for justification I’ve been fighting my whole life? The prettying up of ugliness? A mule in a horse harness?

Is life one turn of a phrase away from good or bad? With the right phrasing can the balance swing? Is there ever really a balance anyway, or is that an illusion from our childhood that we’re still holding to?

Lucky there's a family guy....

This is my first weekend at home in 2 weeks. That's not a big deal, right? I mean, most people do things outside of their home most weekends, don't they? Most people don't savor the time spent sitting on the porch and cursing at the troublesome neighborhood people and watching shitty television all weekend, do they? I mean, I do, but normal people don't. Right? Anyway, so being gone for 2 weeks and now getting to stay home and enjoy the peace and quiet and warm, summer days comes as a welcome reward. You know why? I spent the last 2 weekends with my family. My family. I live far enough away to discourage frequent visits. And, not only did I spend 2 weekends with my mother, but I also got to see some extended family too. Woo. Hoo. Why is it when you see someone in your family that you haven't seen in awhile, they have to comment on your appearance? Your hair, your weight, your clothes, something? I hadn't been at my uncle's for 20 mins. before he made a comment about me gaining weight. Well, uncle, as you can see in your mirror, beer is not the same as a diet pill. I know, right? I keep believing that they'll invent it one day, and I don't want to miss my chance. So, yeah.


My mom lives in the mountains. I love it there. I grew up there. Their house is awesome. My stepdad is awesome. My mom is the sweetest person in the world, really she is. She has a great heart. BUT. BUT, she needs to get out more. You see, out here in the real world, there are other things to worry about besides flies, what time we're having dinner, how many beers we've had, what we're going to have for breakfast, the internet, gas prices, the digital television conversion next year and whatever the newest paranoia of plagues that the television news is spewing forth 86 fucking times a day. Yeah, out here we worry about other stuff. Life. Out here we worry about things like hoping traffic's not bad so my beer's not warm by the time I get home from the store, do I really need to eat tonight because I don't feel like cooking AND washing dishes, having to do laundry because I'm out of underwear and socks, will the rabbit come back this evening or did he get in the neighbor's garden and get hurt, etc., etc. I mean, this is serious stuff man. But, the beauty of out here in my world? No Drama. None. When drama calls, I hang up on that shit. My mom worries about everything. Everything. I feel bad for her really because I don't know how she gets to sleep at night. She asked me at one point if there was anything I cared about or worried about when we were sitting out on the porch. I looked around and leaned out so I could see that the sky was perfectly blue and said "nope, not really, because it doesn't do any damned good at all." She didn't get it, I don't think. I couldn't imagine living that way. My friend and I were talking about it at work the other day and we realized that 95% of the people around us and that we interact with on a regular basis are like that. No wonder I'm frazzled and grouchy most of the time! Hey, world, it's not me it's YOU.


I think, in celebration of my reunion with my porch, I'm going to grill some stuff and take myself to the movies tomorrow. And possibly wash my truck. I hate washing a vehicle, but it needs to be done because I hate looking dirty more. If I still lived at home in the mountains and drove places that got a vehicle dirty, I wouldn't mind so much. But, no. I live in town. Hellish town. Therefore, my truck should be clean dammit. Also I might scrub the walls in the bathroom. I don't know why. They look like they need it and it's been on my mind. Maybe I have too much time alone after all.......

Really? or, the way my world turns

I go to an auction with my dad every Thursday night. Mostly, we go so we can go out to eat beforehand. But, once in awhile there's a treasure to be had or resold, and there's always a more than a few people to make fun of, so it's a good time. And, that's where my nemesis Junk Man is, so that's a plus. Although lately, he's been kicking my ass. Stupid economy. Stupid old people with pocketfuls of money.

Anyway, so last night, we're standing outside smoking and enjoying our coffee when I hear "I'll give you $20 for that shirt." I looked around and saw this old woman standing there and figured that she must really like Chris Knight. I laughed and told her "Sorry, I paid $20 for it and don't know if I can get another one." She kept on and on and on til the price got to $35. At this point, I'm seriously considering going home and changing shirts and bringing this one back. I mean, I'm all about the Benjamins, you know. So, I'm standing there mulling it over and I tell her that for $35 up front, I'll go home and be back in 10 mins with the shirt. Hells yeah. And NOW is the point in the story where it all goes to hell and you get a glimpse into my life. She looks right at me and says "Ah, you figured me out. I just wanted you to take your shirt off." I thought I would die. And puke simultaneously. You see, a) I'm not in the shape I used to be in (or I would've done it anyway) and b) this woman was over 60 and missing teeth. I'll give you a minute to let point B set in. Just to catch you up, I'm 34. Got it? Good. My dad was standing there. My dad, who at that point says "For $35, I'll take it off of him by force." I looked at him and said "You can shut the hell up now."

I don't think I've ever smoked a cigarette so quickly in my life. Not even when we used to sneak them in the bathrooms in high school.

I mean, is this what I can expect for the rest of my life?

I'm joining a monastery. Tonight.

Charity begins at home

You know what really pisses me off?

Oh, wait.

I'll tell you. Don't wear yourself out making a mental list. You don't have that much time.

I went to the store Thursday (a day early due to the holiday) and loaded up on the usual stuff, counting my pennies as I pushed the cart around looking ever so single in my food choices, and pulled up to the checkout. I was trying to sneak the extra case of beer that I left in my cart through (because sometimes you can and fuck them they shouldn't be charging that much for it anyway) when the manager walks by and reminds the cashier to ring it up. You bastard. Then, as I'm bagging my own groceries (just as well since no one can do it right anymore anyway), the cashier has the gall to ask me if I want to donate a dollar to whatever idiot organization that has the little jugs out at all the registers. For all I know it was send monkey-faced kids to space camp or some shit like that (although that I might actually pay to see) but I didn't hear any of that. All I heard was Rage (that's right, capital R) filling up my head. I'm pretty sure I channeled Carl from Sling Blade at that point. "I just saw red" I kept bagging while looking right at the cashier and said "Why no, I wouldn't. It's bad enough that Food Lion (yes, I'm calling you assholes out) charges me ridiculous prices for the same things I was buying a month ago and can get elsewhere cheaper except I don't want to make a hundred stops on the way home and I'm bagging my own shit, but then you want me to give another dollar for something that I'm pretty sure never gets where it's going? haha! Good luck with that. For all the money I spend in here every week, Food Lion can pony up my dollar's worth and be happy to do it." She just laughed and kept ringing stuff. I hope that prick manager heard too. And, I hope the monkey faced kids don't get to go to space camp because I totally would've given a dollar if they'd have let that beer slide through.

Sometimes, the truth doesn't hurt.

It's that time again, ain't it Harley?

Today we're going with a bullet list because I don't feel like being coherent.

• The temperatures are back to normal now. This is nice. I did, however, buy an a/c for my bedroom Monday evening. Last night I had to sleep with a blanket on. It seriously feels like a wonderful little motel room in there. Except cleaner. I hope.


• I've been reading more lately. It's nice to get back into it again. I go through spells where I don't pick up a book for awhile and I always wander around bored and grouchy. Then when I start reading again, I feel better. I don't know why I stop. I guess so I can appreciate it more when I start back up. Kind of like a lot of things I guess.


• This weekend is the Huge Community Yard Sale. Let me tell you how bad I hate this thing. It's an entire day (starting Friday evening and/or around 5 a.m. Saturday morning...yes, 5 a.m. ) of people driving, walking, bargaining, stopping in the middle of the road to see if there's anything worth stopping for, and generally being assholes. It's a joy, I tell you. A joy.


• That being said, yours truly will be out there with a little table set up of things I don't need anymore and hate to sell but have to because I need the money for stuff. The first person that tries to haggle me down from my marked price is getting cussed. Really. It's a dollar, numb nuts. Deal with it. I'll throw it right the fuck away before I give it to you for less.


• In that vein, does anyone out there or anyone you know need some motorcycle leathers???? I have everything you need. And, everything must go. The prices are negotiable (honestly) on everything except the leather jacket. I have chaps, leather pants, a leather shirt (great for your inbetween temperature days or a surprising rainstorm), a denim jacket complete with a $30 patch, and a HD jacket that I paid nearly $400 for. The jacket I want $200 for. Everything else we can talk about. Or, we can talk about that too if you want some other stuff. Hell, I just need the money. Everything is an XL. I can't remember what the pants are, but I think I only wore them twice (yes, with longjohns underneath) and they're still as soft as they were when they were new. As is the jacket. It still, in fact, smells new. Email me if you're interested and we'll strike a deal.


• I hate to sell that stuff. Memories, you know. Time, money, experiences invested in it all. An entirely different life, a different lifestyle, now so long gone. It feels like decades ago. And, I kinda miss that guy. He and I would get along famously now, though. But, still. His was a more hectic, simpler world. Mine's simpler, but more hectic if that makes sense. I don't know. I think, though, that I NEED to get rid of it and hopefully that'll help ease some of these lingering ghosts....maybe. If not, at least I have some cash. And I can buy new things to distract myself.


• While you're buying, don't forget to check out my book.....


• And, lastly, a picture of me at the ballgame. I'm not putting this up here so you can marvel at my beauty. I'll wait, though, while you do that. I'm putting it up there to see if you can notice the rare, hardly seen in public thing in the picture.

Yes, that's a FREE BEER I'm holding at the ball park.