no more yanky my wanky, Donger needs food

Sixteen Candles was on last night. Yes, I watched it. Most of it with the sound down because I was listening to an awesome cd that I can't remember the title of right now. Yes, it was that good. But, I digress. I'm a sucker for the 80s movies and know most of them by heart. I don't know why really. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that the actors were almost the same age as I was at the time, and I lived in a podunk town with little to no adventures and these kids were having parties and bonding in detention and stealing panties and having romantic interludes as only adolescents can. It was like a public journal of awkwardness and it was nice not to feel alone. Movies these days don't do that. They promote the good looking, cool kids who are just the right weight with the perfect hair and perfect skin. And, while I think overall that the kids today are better looking than they were 20 years ago, that's still not fair to all the kids who aren't exceptionally beautiful and/or rich and/or talented and/or whatever farce Hollywood is promoting in its latest "effort." Life's normal and plain and boring 90% of the time. Especially when you're living at home and have a curfew and chores. It's supposed to be. It prepares you for life on your own...you know when you have bills and no money and chores. If you have a crapton of excitement as a kid, you're going to be really, really disappointed when you get older and find out that working in a cube staring at a monitor and the words of other people is about as exciting as your day's going to get. Wouldn't it be more awesome if you spent your time as a teenager getting ready for the Big Day when you could break out on your own and do something important? And by do something important I mean buy beer and make grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner. I'm just saying that the movies are building these kids up to think that the world's a dynamic place where all the hot girls swoon whenever you walk by and your hair is always perfect and everyone can dance/rap/paint/whatever. And, yes, people can do those things. But, it takes a lot of work and practice and hair gel. That's something that most flicks leave out. That's something that most kids don't want to do anyway. The best thing for these trouble-making kids is an afterschool job. That'll crush their dreams earlier and save them from the bitter twenty-something disillusionment that will befall them as surely as I'll have beer and grilled cheese for dinner tonight.

happy friday!

a false spring, or a conversation in my mind

There are things, no matter how well intentioned, that should never be said or done. No matter if there are rules, sanctioned agreements, prior evidence. These apply to everyone else, yes, but not to you. You, my friend, are subject to a whole different set of rules that you're not privy to.

It's ok. I've never been good at following rules anyway. Generally, I speak or act with my heart on my sleeve and then try to pick the pieces up later. You can keep your rules and your agreements and your pseudo-philosophical tenants to yourself please. I fell for them once too often and now I know that they're not really there at all.
I felt alive for the first time in a long, long time and it was overpowering. I had forgotten what it was to feel that way and I guess I let it get the best of me. I thought, maybe, that I had grown to the point where I could handle it, but now it's obvious that I can't, that I haven't grown at all really. Regressed, perhaps.

You should've known that this would happen, that we would have this conversation.

On some level I did. On another, I felt so childlike and full of wonder that I let myself pretend that it would all work out like some late night movie.
So, now I'll retire. I'll retire this old heart to its shelf over the fireplace. I'll hang my hopes in the closet with all the unworn jackets, waiting for the perfect occasion. I'll refill my pen and buy new notebooks. I'll wrap myself in this damnable cloak that I've made and weather this storm. And I'll hope that somewhere you know that I was kind of right, even if you never admit it, and that your future is a bright one, even if I'm not in it. I wear enough albatrosses around my neck without adding yours to it. I just can't anymore.

No one asked you to carry this burden. No one asked you to be involved. In fact, had you not been involved, there would be no problem.

I was asked. I was asked, told, shown, moved.....moved. Do you know how long it's been since something moved me? Took the breath from me? Jesus, man. But, it doesn't matter now. Not anymore. I'll keep that part of it with me, though. Always.

******

sorry for being cryptic. I'm fine. Just got some stuff on my mind. Feeling a bit better now, actually. In other news, my book is one step closer to being published as I finally sat down Saturday while "working" and typed everything up. I need to format it and arrange it, but I'm on the way. I'll put a link here when it's ready. And I expect all of you to buy at least 10 copies and to tell all your friends hahaha! No, I'm kidding. 1 or 2 each will be plenty.